Face Shapes

If you're like me, you were born with a wonky shaped face. Mine's like a squaroundish oval?




Here are some basic face shapes.




ROUND

If you've got a round face, you probably imagine that you look fat. While a lot of the time round faces DO make you look fat, it's not true. When I smile my fat pushes my eyes up and I look asian. Nothing against asians, but I am not one. So I shouldn't look like one. 

EXAMPLES:

See? Kirsten Dunst has a round face.

So does Kelly Clarkson

Believe it or not, Cameron Diaz has one too. At least in this picture.

SQUARE

You've got a big old man jaw. Your cheeks might even end in points. If you lay your chin along the table, it lays flat. It looks like someone put a box over your head then painted it. 


EXAMPLES:

Bones has got square bones!

As well as Paris Hilton

And the gorgeous Olivia Wilde from House

OVAL

If you have an oval face, why are you here?! The rest of your face must be really ugly, because the most sought after face shape is an oval. It's twice as long as it is wide and is supposed to be symmetrical on both sides. 


EXAMPLES:

Jessica Alba has a perfectly proportioned face.

Besides the awful plastic surgery, her face shape is flawless.

Beyoncé's got an oval face.

HEART

The heart shaped face is the face of the cutie-pies. You've got a pointed chin that could stab through a wall; if you dipped your face in paint and smacked it against the wall, it would be a very long, narrow, politically incorrect heart.

EXAMPLES:

Reese Witherspoon, the classic cutie with a heart shaped face.

If you can tear your eyes away from her HUMONGOUS boobs, she has a heart shaped face.

She's also got very perky members. Above that, is a heart shaped face.

DIAMOND:

I'm going to be honest here. I've never seen anyone with a fucking diamond face.

Honestly, if someone tells you you have a diamond shaped face, you should punch them. Nobody looks like this. Nobody.

You probably have a mix between a round face and an oval one. 

Mixes are also possible.

My face is, as I said, squaroundish. 

So if your face shape isn't up there, it's because it's not normal. But don't worry your ugly little head about it; there are things that can conceal your unfortunately misshapen face.

Now What?

So you've figured it out: you're fugly. I knew it all along. Don't believe me yet? Look in a mirror. Yeah. Ugly. 


So what are you gonna do about it?




I'm going to be honest here. I'm not gonna say that everyone's beautiful in their own way. Because it's not true. It really isn't. I've seen some pretty god damned ugly girls who can't be "cured" without plastic surgery. I've seen girls who make me want to puke my intestines out all over their meat grinder zit faces. And I've seen girls with the prettiest eyes and hottest bodies who make me want to punch them in the face until people say I'm prettier than they are. 


And you know that lie your mother told you, that beauty's only skin deep? Well underneath all that blemished skin of yours, there's layers of fat. And then stringy, sinewy muscles and gooey organs and lots of oozey blood. So no, it's not skin deep. And the size of your heart doesn't matter in the real world. 


But attraction does.

 

                                  See? Your insides aren't that pretty.