Body Shapes

A body shape is what nutritionists and magazine articles call people's bodies that resemble pieces of fruit. Some examples are:


PEAR SHAPED

Pear Shaped Body

The pear

Upon a google search for "pear shaped body", I came up with this image.

Ap"pear"ently Beyonce has a pear for a body.

But when I think of a pear shaped body, this is what I think of.

More Accurate

APPLE SHAPED

A google search left me with this picture.

???

That obviously is NOT what I was looking for.

That's more like it.

But when I think of apple shaped people, I think of this.

They're like a pair of Galas!

HOURGLASS SHAPED

Look at that tiny waist!

Original Picture

A google search led me to this picture:

LOOK AT HOW FUCKING SCARY THIS IS.

RULER/BANANA/TUBE/STRAIGHT/RECTANGLE SHAPED

Banana Shaped?

Tube Shaped

Ungodly Body Hair

What a pitiful question.

Listen, ladies. You'll never get anywhere in life with that peach fuzz mustache. Nor will a unibrow make someone fall deeply in love with you. 

Sexy

On guys, facial hair can be sexy. Err, well, at least scruffy. But on a woman, facial hair has no business being there. 

There is a simple solution: a shave. If you need to go into a fucking barbershop and ask them to cut you down, do it. I don't even care if people stare at you while they foam up your unsightly pit bull face. Just get that taken care of. 

Ever used these? I doubt it!

What are those things in that picture? They're called tweezers. You use them to tweeze things. Like your unibrow. You pluck out your hairs and cry your little eyes out because of the pain.

Waxing is also an option. It's for when your eyebrows get so out of control that underpaid Asian ladies need to pour hot wax on you and rip the hairs out of your face. Even more painful than tweezers, but much faster.

Some salons will even wax your--- your--- well. Your down there. So the next time you go to the beach, your bikini line will be nice and smooth.

Legs:

If you are a lady and you think that winter means your legs don't need to be shaved, you're wrong. People can tell they're not shaved even under pants. We know when you're slacking off. 

There's nothing more distracting to me than leg hair. I'll try to focus on the person, but their leg hair will just RADIATE to my eyes.

Also, armpit hair. It's the bane of my existence. No matter what I do, I end up with stubble under there. It's disgusting. But it's better than having Rapunzel hair dangling down from under my arms. 

Unless it's I'M TOO LAZY TO SHAVE MY ARMPITS, put your fucking hand down.

There's this new invention, kay? It's called a RAZOR.

Razor.

If you have hair covering your pig face, you're even more apt to look like a gorilla woman than you actually do. 

And don't look like a werewolf with your ungodly body hair. 

Take my advice: If your skin prickles, use the Schick-le. 

How To Be Attractive

If you're ugly and want to trick people into thinking you're attractive, JennaMarbles has some tips for you.

Blemishes

There is almost nothing uglier than a giant pimple staring you in the eye, pulsating and threatening to explode all over you. It's even scarier when someone's zit's been staring at you all class and when you look up again, it's popped. 


That pus has burst and landed somewhere. Excuse me while I go puke up some pieces of my pelvis. Disgusting.




PIMPLES

This is disgusting. How is this woman living with herself?

Acne is gross. And I don't care if you've tried everything. I still think you're disgusting.

Having zits just makes me think you don't wash your face. You don't, do you? You probably don't brush your teeth either. Or bathe. You make me sick, pizza face. Buy some soap.

Look-- Jessica Simpson uses Proactiv®!

And while you're at it, get some good concealer too. I'd rather see your lumpy face with an even skin tone than see bright red bumps staring me down. But don't do powder.

DO NOT DO POWDER.

Dear Powder Faces:

You look like an idiot. I know what you're hiding under that powder; you shouldn't even have tried covering it up. It probably looks better the other way without a caked on barely matched cocaine substitute. 

DISCOLORATION

So your skin is discolored. What does that even mean? Is it like saying a black zebra with white stripes is discolored? 

Is this what your face looks like?

If your face does look like that, then you're a mutant freak and nothing can be done for you. I mean, dark patches or light patches on your poorly drawn photoshop face are the BEST looking thing. Look at her nose. It looks like a man with a tiny head and big arms. 

But seriously. Your patches are what make you you. I think they're cute. And if you don't want to embrace it, buy some fucking concealer and get over it.

Unless you look like this. Maybe get some medical attention.