Body Shapes

A body shape is what nutritionists and magazine articles call people's bodies that resemble pieces of fruit. Some examples are:


PEAR SHAPED

Pear Shaped Body

The pear

Upon a google search for "pear shaped body", I came up with this image.

Ap"pear"ently Beyonce has a pear for a body.

But when I think of a pear shaped body, this is what I think of.

More Accurate

APPLE SHAPED

A google search left me with this picture.

???

That obviously is NOT what I was looking for.

That's more like it.

But when I think of apple shaped people, I think of this.

They're like a pair of Galas!

HOURGLASS SHAPED

Look at that tiny waist!

Original Picture

A google search led me to this picture:

LOOK AT HOW FUCKING SCARY THIS IS.

RULER/BANANA/TUBE/STRAIGHT/RECTANGLE SHAPED

Banana Shaped?

Tube Shaped

Ungodly Body Hair

What a pitiful question.

Listen, ladies. You'll never get anywhere in life with that peach fuzz mustache. Nor will a unibrow make someone fall deeply in love with you. 

Sexy

On guys, facial hair can be sexy. Err, well, at least scruffy. But on a woman, facial hair has no business being there. 

There is a simple solution: a shave. If you need to go into a fucking barbershop and ask them to cut you down, do it. I don't even care if people stare at you while they foam up your unsightly pit bull face. Just get that taken care of. 

Ever used these? I doubt it!

What are those things in that picture? They're called tweezers. You use them to tweeze things. Like your unibrow. You pluck out your hairs and cry your little eyes out because of the pain.

Waxing is also an option. It's for when your eyebrows get so out of control that underpaid Asian ladies need to pour hot wax on you and rip the hairs out of your face. Even more painful than tweezers, but much faster.

Some salons will even wax your--- your--- well. Your down there. So the next time you go to the beach, your bikini line will be nice and smooth.

Legs:

If you are a lady and you think that winter means your legs don't need to be shaved, you're wrong. People can tell they're not shaved even under pants. We know when you're slacking off. 

There's nothing more distracting to me than leg hair. I'll try to focus on the person, but their leg hair will just RADIATE to my eyes.

Also, armpit hair. It's the bane of my existence. No matter what I do, I end up with stubble under there. It's disgusting. But it's better than having Rapunzel hair dangling down from under my arms. 

Unless it's I'M TOO LAZY TO SHAVE MY ARMPITS, put your fucking hand down.

There's this new invention, kay? It's called a RAZOR.

Razor.

If you have hair covering your pig face, you're even more apt to look like a gorilla woman than you actually do. 

And don't look like a werewolf with your ungodly body hair. 

Take my advice: If your skin prickles, use the Schick-le. 

How To Be Attractive

If you're ugly and want to trick people into thinking you're attractive, JennaMarbles has some tips for you.

Blemishes

There is almost nothing uglier than a giant pimple staring you in the eye, pulsating and threatening to explode all over you. It's even scarier when someone's zit's been staring at you all class and when you look up again, it's popped. 


That pus has burst and landed somewhere. Excuse me while I go puke up some pieces of my pelvis. Disgusting.




PIMPLES

This is disgusting. How is this woman living with herself?

Acne is gross. And I don't care if you've tried everything. I still think you're disgusting.

Having zits just makes me think you don't wash your face. You don't, do you? You probably don't brush your teeth either. Or bathe. You make me sick, pizza face. Buy some soap.

Look-- Jessica Simpson uses Proactiv®!

And while you're at it, get some good concealer too. I'd rather see your lumpy face with an even skin tone than see bright red bumps staring me down. But don't do powder.

DO NOT DO POWDER.

Dear Powder Faces:

You look like an idiot. I know what you're hiding under that powder; you shouldn't even have tried covering it up. It probably looks better the other way without a caked on barely matched cocaine substitute. 

DISCOLORATION

So your skin is discolored. What does that even mean? Is it like saying a black zebra with white stripes is discolored? 

Is this what your face looks like?

If your face does look like that, then you're a mutant freak and nothing can be done for you. I mean, dark patches or light patches on your poorly drawn photoshop face are the BEST looking thing. Look at her nose. It looks like a man with a tiny head and big arms. 

But seriously. Your patches are what make you you. I think they're cute. And if you don't want to embrace it, buy some fucking concealer and get over it.

Unless you look like this. Maybe get some medical attention.

Body Weight

If you've ever worried about your weight, you're in the right place. All girls worry about their weight at one point or another. 


Common Excuses:

• I'm big boned!
• I eat and eat, and never gain any weight!
• My parents are fat!
• I'm just muscular!
• Water weight!
• I'm injured! I can't exercise!
• But I like food!

Bull. Shit.

Don't make yourself throw up because you're too fat; don't eat seven quarts of icecream because you're too skinny. There are other ways of bulking up and stripping down. 

FAT PEOPLE:

Guess what? She's not skinny on the inside either.

Dear fat people:

I was once one of you; in fact, I look in the mirror every day and think I am one of you. When I was fat, I would eat more because I thought, "I'm always going to be fat. :( " I would just eat and eat. It made me feel better about myself. And then I'd go to the doctors and they'd tell me I gained twenty pounds and I'd be like WHAT?! But... But I was... Oh wait. Yeah. I was eating like a fatass every day. And if you want to eat like a fatass, go for it. I say full steam ahead! There's nothing cuter than clogged arteries and heart disease. 

I have a note for you: if you're going to eat as much as you want, whenever you want, save it for when you're older. Children think fat grandparents are cute. Hell, even I think fat grandparents are cute. And when you're in your 70s, you're almost at death's door anyways. A little extra meat on your bones will just speed up the process a bit.

But seriously, fat people. I know it's not always your fault. I was stuck with the genetics route too. My doctor checked for thyroid problems, which can apparently cause you to gain weight uncontrollably. 

Then, I got off my ass and I got into the game. I'd eat breakfast: Maybe make a few pieces of toast-- but then I'd stop when the hunger went away. Just like that. And I'd put the toast away for later. And then when it was later, I'd eat the toast. But only until the hunger went away. And then put it away for later.

I also got into the habit of running laps in the yard spontaneously. 

I was that person. But then I climbed trees. And brought books into trees with me. I was a goddamned TREE CLIMBING BOOK READING MANIAC.

And then I forgot about food. I mean, not really. I still ate food. I just didn't think about it all the time. My stomach would grumble, I'd have like a half a slice of toast, then resume my yard running tree climbing bonanza.

SKINNY PEOPLE:

I'm not sure she can fit a heart in that body.

Hey you. Yeah, you.  Skinny girl. Tired of your size 000 jeans and your model body?


So am I. I tease you girls about your teeny boobies and secretly wish I could fit into a size 0 dress. I call all skinny girls whores. I don't know why.

It's probably because to me, skinny=sexy. But as I read in a Teen Girl magazine once, a very long time ago, even SKINNY GIRLS HAVE PROBLEMS.

That's right! That itty bitty blonde in your gym class with the runway legs? She has problems too! 

I guess a big problem with being a rail stick is that you have no boobs.

Well, skinny girls: I have no sympathy. I am nowhere close to a skinny girl, and I don't have boobs either.

So obviously boobs aren't your biggest problem.

Then what is it? I guess finding clothes are hard sometimes. And playing sports. There was a girl in my gym class that I thought if I knocked into would snap in half. 

The girl in the magazine's problem was that she couldn't borrow any of her friends' clothes. 

Well, girl: I CAN'T EITHER. I'm not a size 000. My rib cage isn't the size of a coffee tin. I can't even squeeze my way into size 2 jeans. 

If you got it, flaunt it. I know that with skinny girls, muscle tone is an issue. SO DO SOME PUSHUPS. 

Lift some weights. 

You could even clean your shoe closet. That's exercise. It could tone you. 

Face Shapes

If you're like me, you were born with a wonky shaped face. Mine's like a squaroundish oval?




Here are some basic face shapes.




ROUND

If you've got a round face, you probably imagine that you look fat. While a lot of the time round faces DO make you look fat, it's not true. When I smile my fat pushes my eyes up and I look asian. Nothing against asians, but I am not one. So I shouldn't look like one. 

EXAMPLES:

See? Kirsten Dunst has a round face.

So does Kelly Clarkson

Believe it or not, Cameron Diaz has one too. At least in this picture.

SQUARE

You've got a big old man jaw. Your cheeks might even end in points. If you lay your chin along the table, it lays flat. It looks like someone put a box over your head then painted it. 


EXAMPLES:

Bones has got square bones!

As well as Paris Hilton

And the gorgeous Olivia Wilde from House

OVAL

If you have an oval face, why are you here?! The rest of your face must be really ugly, because the most sought after face shape is an oval. It's twice as long as it is wide and is supposed to be symmetrical on both sides. 


EXAMPLES:

Jessica Alba has a perfectly proportioned face.

Besides the awful plastic surgery, her face shape is flawless.

Beyoncé's got an oval face.

HEART

The heart shaped face is the face of the cutie-pies. You've got a pointed chin that could stab through a wall; if you dipped your face in paint and smacked it against the wall, it would be a very long, narrow, politically incorrect heart.

EXAMPLES:

Reese Witherspoon, the classic cutie with a heart shaped face.

If you can tear your eyes away from her HUMONGOUS boobs, she has a heart shaped face.

She's also got very perky members. Above that, is a heart shaped face.

DIAMOND:

I'm going to be honest here. I've never seen anyone with a fucking diamond face.

Honestly, if someone tells you you have a diamond shaped face, you should punch them. Nobody looks like this. Nobody.

You probably have a mix between a round face and an oval one. 

Mixes are also possible.

My face is, as I said, squaroundish. 

So if your face shape isn't up there, it's because it's not normal. But don't worry your ugly little head about it; there are things that can conceal your unfortunately misshapen face.