Body Weight

If you've ever worried about your weight, you're in the right place. All girls worry about their weight at one point or another. 


Common Excuses:

• I'm big boned!
• I eat and eat, and never gain any weight!
• My parents are fat!
• I'm just muscular!
• Water weight!
• I'm injured! I can't exercise!
• But I like food!

Bull. Shit.

Don't make yourself throw up because you're too fat; don't eat seven quarts of icecream because you're too skinny. There are other ways of bulking up and stripping down. 

FAT PEOPLE:

Guess what? She's not skinny on the inside either.

Dear fat people:

I was once one of you; in fact, I look in the mirror every day and think I am one of you. When I was fat, I would eat more because I thought, "I'm always going to be fat. :( " I would just eat and eat. It made me feel better about myself. And then I'd go to the doctors and they'd tell me I gained twenty pounds and I'd be like WHAT?! But... But I was... Oh wait. Yeah. I was eating like a fatass every day. And if you want to eat like a fatass, go for it. I say full steam ahead! There's nothing cuter than clogged arteries and heart disease. 

I have a note for you: if you're going to eat as much as you want, whenever you want, save it for when you're older. Children think fat grandparents are cute. Hell, even I think fat grandparents are cute. And when you're in your 70s, you're almost at death's door anyways. A little extra meat on your bones will just speed up the process a bit.

But seriously, fat people. I know it's not always your fault. I was stuck with the genetics route too. My doctor checked for thyroid problems, which can apparently cause you to gain weight uncontrollably. 

Then, I got off my ass and I got into the game. I'd eat breakfast: Maybe make a few pieces of toast-- but then I'd stop when the hunger went away. Just like that. And I'd put the toast away for later. And then when it was later, I'd eat the toast. But only until the hunger went away. And then put it away for later.

I also got into the habit of running laps in the yard spontaneously. 

I was that person. But then I climbed trees. And brought books into trees with me. I was a goddamned TREE CLIMBING BOOK READING MANIAC.

And then I forgot about food. I mean, not really. I still ate food. I just didn't think about it all the time. My stomach would grumble, I'd have like a half a slice of toast, then resume my yard running tree climbing bonanza.

SKINNY PEOPLE:

I'm not sure she can fit a heart in that body.

Hey you. Yeah, you.  Skinny girl. Tired of your size 000 jeans and your model body?


So am I. I tease you girls about your teeny boobies and secretly wish I could fit into a size 0 dress. I call all skinny girls whores. I don't know why.

It's probably because to me, skinny=sexy. But as I read in a Teen Girl magazine once, a very long time ago, even SKINNY GIRLS HAVE PROBLEMS.

That's right! That itty bitty blonde in your gym class with the runway legs? She has problems too! 

I guess a big problem with being a rail stick is that you have no boobs.

Well, skinny girls: I have no sympathy. I am nowhere close to a skinny girl, and I don't have boobs either.

So obviously boobs aren't your biggest problem.

Then what is it? I guess finding clothes are hard sometimes. And playing sports. There was a girl in my gym class that I thought if I knocked into would snap in half. 

The girl in the magazine's problem was that she couldn't borrow any of her friends' clothes. 

Well, girl: I CAN'T EITHER. I'm not a size 000. My rib cage isn't the size of a coffee tin. I can't even squeeze my way into size 2 jeans. 

If you got it, flaunt it. I know that with skinny girls, muscle tone is an issue. SO DO SOME PUSHUPS. 

Lift some weights. 

You could even clean your shoe closet. That's exercise. It could tone you. 

Face Shapes

If you're like me, you were born with a wonky shaped face. Mine's like a squaroundish oval?




Here are some basic face shapes.




ROUND

If you've got a round face, you probably imagine that you look fat. While a lot of the time round faces DO make you look fat, it's not true. When I smile my fat pushes my eyes up and I look asian. Nothing against asians, but I am not one. So I shouldn't look like one. 

EXAMPLES:

See? Kirsten Dunst has a round face.

So does Kelly Clarkson

Believe it or not, Cameron Diaz has one too. At least in this picture.

SQUARE

You've got a big old man jaw. Your cheeks might even end in points. If you lay your chin along the table, it lays flat. It looks like someone put a box over your head then painted it. 


EXAMPLES:

Bones has got square bones!

As well as Paris Hilton

And the gorgeous Olivia Wilde from House

OVAL

If you have an oval face, why are you here?! The rest of your face must be really ugly, because the most sought after face shape is an oval. It's twice as long as it is wide and is supposed to be symmetrical on both sides. 


EXAMPLES:

Jessica Alba has a perfectly proportioned face.

Besides the awful plastic surgery, her face shape is flawless.

Beyoncé's got an oval face.

HEART

The heart shaped face is the face of the cutie-pies. You've got a pointed chin that could stab through a wall; if you dipped your face in paint and smacked it against the wall, it would be a very long, narrow, politically incorrect heart.

EXAMPLES:

Reese Witherspoon, the classic cutie with a heart shaped face.

If you can tear your eyes away from her HUMONGOUS boobs, she has a heart shaped face.

She's also got very perky members. Above that, is a heart shaped face.

DIAMOND:

I'm going to be honest here. I've never seen anyone with a fucking diamond face.

Honestly, if someone tells you you have a diamond shaped face, you should punch them. Nobody looks like this. Nobody.

You probably have a mix between a round face and an oval one. 

Mixes are also possible.

My face is, as I said, squaroundish. 

So if your face shape isn't up there, it's because it's not normal. But don't worry your ugly little head about it; there are things that can conceal your unfortunately misshapen face.

Now What?

So you've figured it out: you're fugly. I knew it all along. Don't believe me yet? Look in a mirror. Yeah. Ugly. 


So what are you gonna do about it?




I'm going to be honest here. I'm not gonna say that everyone's beautiful in their own way. Because it's not true. It really isn't. I've seen some pretty god damned ugly girls who can't be "cured" without plastic surgery. I've seen girls who make me want to puke my intestines out all over their meat grinder zit faces. And I've seen girls with the prettiest eyes and hottest bodies who make me want to punch them in the face until people say I'm prettier than they are. 


And you know that lie your mother told you, that beauty's only skin deep? Well underneath all that blemished skin of yours, there's layers of fat. And then stringy, sinewy muscles and gooey organs and lots of oozey blood. So no, it's not skin deep. And the size of your heart doesn't matter in the real world. 


But attraction does.

 

                                  See? Your insides aren't that pretty.